Well, well, well… ha, three holes in the ground (yes, thanks for that – you know who you are!).
I’m back! Hurrah! After an enforced break – thanks to a laptop that’d be better used as a tray, or a toboggan, or a rather inefficient frisbee – I’ve managed to source an alternative means of keeping my blog alive. We’ll see (will be crossing my paws that this is successful. If it’s not – well, that’s a little philosophical conundrum really, ‘cos you won’t be reading this…).
It’s been a fair few weeks since I was last able to update the blog, and gosh a lot’s been happening in the meantime. I could have done with being able to write the blog, to be honest, as there have been moments of clarity and greater understanding (at least, I think there have!), and I can see how horribly harsh I have been, and am, on myself…and how this negative, harmful perspective has a profoundly horrid effect on my sense of self-worth. I can’t yet find forgiveness for what happened to me, and for the repercussions, but I am experiencing flitting moments of self-compassion. I find it very hard to like, or be fond of, or indeed be compassionate towards myself as I was at any age, or stages or points of my life…it’s not really that helpful to be like that, though.
I’ve had some very low points since I last wrote: depressed moods, agitated and angry states, despair, and I have recognised just how consistently high my levels of anxiety are. I’ve borrowed a watch with a HRM (heart-rate monitor) and it was surprisingly interesting to note how elevated my heart-rate became when I was in even just a slightly stressful situation – it was also interesting to see how breathing exercises swiftly reduced that rate. It’s just that I can’t seem to translate that into stressful situations (such as my other neighbours suddenly becoming very unpleasant and making day-to-day life very yucky with their passive-aggressive actions). After a long time of being upset, worried and low about it, I’ve decided that – seeing as they won’t communicate – I’m going to try to adopt a Mona-Lisa smile and say nothing. As long as my smile isn’t interpreted as a smirk…! But it’s forced my hand, rather, and I’ve decided to move – I’m attempting not to view it as, “Meh, they’ve won”, but that they’ve enabled me to make a decision that I hope will move my life forward. I wanted to escape SmugTown (these neighbours typify this smugness), and now I’m determined to leave for pastures new.
Hey-ho, so what’s been happening? Attending a military ceremony in below-zero temperatures for 4 hours, all whilst sitting in not-very-warm clothes and hobbling along because my shoe-strap broke as I left the hotel. Tried feebly to sew the leather together with the hotel sewing-kit…it was all too futile! The parade was a strange experience: I was overcome by the end of it all (having maintained a front of ok-ness for all that time) because I could see immense pride in the parents’/relatives’/friends’ eyes, and I found it difficult to witness the support, love and encouragement being shown (and rightly so) by the families towards their particular relation. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly didn’t think that was the case for everyone on parade there – it was just that the event weirdly served to highlight what I should have experienced as a child growing up, and the event’s been helpful in that I can now quite clearly recognise that I need to grieve for all that was lacking in my, erm, environment, if that makes sense. Time, maybe, to stop using food and purging, and self-hatred, and other self-harming/destructive behaviours to mask, or manage, the anger that I’ve subconsciously had within. I want to stop, and I feel I have stopped…it’s as if I don’t need those behaviours anymore. Time too, to stop seeing the expression of anger – and other emotions – as being sooooooo bad and wrong…I feel that I need to learn how to grow, to learn how to express my needs and recognise my emotions. I was going to say “grow up all over again”, but I don’t think I have grown-up, because I didn’t have the tools to do so. All this time I’ve been floundering desperately, having given up yonks ago being able to ask for support, advice and help…because, what was the point of doing so, if I was ignored, or reprimanded, or made to feel that I was most definitely not welcome…
What else? I did a motorbike trackday – terrifying: truly, horribly terrifying…all that testosterone around me and novices who definitely were not novices. But at least I didn’t wuss out and avoid it, eh? (And yeeeeaaah, I did enjoy it really – I just need more biking experience!)
Training-wise…hmmm! I’ve started to up my game, really, as I was becoming really het-up about the ironman swiftly approaching. I’m not fussed about the swimming, but the cycle and run were worrying me. So I’ve had a few 50-mile cycles and one 60-miler (oh blimey…I’d still have another 52 miles to go. Ooh, plus a marathon). I take great comfort from the fact that I’m in a madly hilly area, so I’m using my high levels of elevation as encouragement (!). Ha, I don’t take great comfort from it when I’m actually out there suffering, mind! My new trusty steed turned out to be evil (towards me, that is: it’s perfectly lovely to others. Not that I’m paranoid, onnist), so I made a mad decision to snaffle a different new bike…it’s a dream, although the engine running it doesn’t do it justice, I fear. And suddenly my sitting bones have made an appearance, ow ow OWWWWW. One bruised botty. I spent most of my last ride telling myself that yes, I WOULD get a bike fit. I still haven’t. Have bought a new saddle tho’, let’s hope that helps, eh?!
I’m up to 13 miles or so for most of my runs, but that distance, as with my cycling distances, has to increase in the next few weeks. I’m definitely no fast runner, but at least I’m not stopping during these runs. I’m aiming to do more brick sessions too, and to introduce nutrition into the game-plan as well. I had a few bites of flapjack and sips of water during the 60-mile cycle, and they did let me know of their existence until I finished – but I think I have to put up with that, otherwise I’ll just not finish. PLEASE don’t advise me to adopt the high-fat-low-carb diet: my system simply loathes it, and it certainly doesn’t help with the amounts of acid-reflux I have. So there!
I’m house-animal-sitting again for a few days though, and I did just have a little achievement yesterday…I went for a run in the middle of the day! I guess it helped that I know no-one here – and that I was frustrated because I’d planned to cycle and swim, but the roads were closed. So I persevered and went for a run instead. I know! In the middle of the day, who’d have thought – yay!! And today I cycled 22 miles to a pool and back, swam two miles, then ran for 30 minutes – all on pretty tired legs too. Not bad for someone who this morning had woken to a somewhat lowered mood for no good reason. I’m quite pleased about all that.
A long ol’ post, sorry – but I just wanted to update things a bit. Hope you’re all ok out there, and thank you for coming back to read my blurb. Will aim for a more interesting, less scatter-brained and waffly post next time! And I hope you all have a lovely Easter!